The Winchester Guide to Life, the Universe, et al
by Catslynw
Summary: Dean knows how the world should run, just ask him. Better yet, listen in as he tells the angels out there what to do and where to get off. Rule #1 - Don’t be a dick with wings. Rule #2 – When you resurrect…
1. Chapter 1

The Winchester Guide to Life, the Universe and Everything

Chapter 1

The Dean Winchester Guide for Angels Living Amongst Humans

aka

Humanity for Dummies

1. Don't be a dick with wings.

2. When you resurrect someone, resurrect them above ground. Seriously.

3. Keep your promises. Surely you want to be more trustworthy than the average crossroad demon.

4. Do not call us hairless apes. We have hair, we just don't have as much of it as they do, and we're sensitive about that.

5. Do not answer rhetorical questions. It's freakin' annoying. Okay?

6. Do not babble in Enochian. It's irritating and confuses the civilians.

7. Just because we're doing something stupid doesn't mean we need you to point it out. Odds are, we already know it's stupid.

8. Stop reminding us that our holy books got it all wrong. We already know and _we_ didn't write them.

9. Dude, personal space.

10. Six inches does _not_ qualify as personal space. Try six feet!

11. Never comment on the sexual attractiveness of a man's mother. Never.

12. Whether in a restaurant or a brothel, no ordering off the menu.

13. Never tell a woman what you really think of her clothes or a hunter what you really think of his ride.

14. Do not die a virgin. Seriously, it's just embarrassing, man.

15. Never criticize another man's weapon.

16. No, that is _not_ a metaphor.

17. You can never have too much ammunition.

18. Never insult Bonanza, Gunsmoke or John Wayne. Hunters all secretly want to grow up to be cowboys.

19. Unless it's the end of the world, it can wait until 6am.

20. If it _is_ the end of the world, it can _still_ wait until 6am.

21. People lie.

22. Even when they think they're telling the truth, people mostly lie.

23. Learn slang, geek speak, colloquialisms, and pig-Latin. If we can learn Enochian, you can learn those. They'll be helpful. Really.

24. Angels lie too. Do not believe everything your bosses tell you.

25. Revelation can be rigged.

26. Never trust middle management.

27. Prophets are a pain in the ass, and they, too, can be rigged.

28. Sleep is not optional. If we don't have sleep, we die.

29. Food is not optional. If we don't refuel, we die.

30. Chocolate is worth falling from Grace for.

31. Pie is always an excellent peace offering.

32. Ask before you blip! Humans are fond of their bowel movements.

33. Do NOT go on The Cleanse.

34. Hangovers suck. Stick to angelic teetotaling.

35. Since you can fly on your own, never use airplanes. Those things are giant metal coffins in the sky.

36. Family always comes first.

37. Family also comes second, third, fourth and last.

38. Most of your siblings are probably major league douche bags. Admit it. Accept it.

39. Since your Father also made us, we are basically your bastard half-brothers and sisters so the douche bag thing applies to us, too.

40. Keep _your_ family squabbles off _our_ planet.

41. Even with shiny angel mojo, a tantrum is still a tantrum. Get over it.

42. Finally, do not mess with _my_ family, _my_ friends or _my_ angel. I will kick your feathered ass from here to Perdition and back again. Just ask Zachariah.


	2. Chapter 2

The Winchester Guide to Life, the Universe and Everything

Chapter 2

The Dean Winchester Guide for Humans Working with Angels

aka

Angels 101 for Dumb-Ass Hunters

1. Angels do not answer prayers.

2. Angels are not cute and fluffy.

3. If you run into a naked angel who likes to hug, it's probably a cupid. Run, duck and dodge!

4. Angels are, generally speaking, a cosmic pain in the ass with Daddy issues.

5. Some angels do not lie, but they don't tell you the whole truth either.

6. Some angels lie damn well. Think used car salesmen with an extra helping of charisma.

7. Never, ever trust an angel who says he's only here to help you. They always have an ulterior motive.

8. Most angels genuinely believe they are doing God's work. Of course, so do most terrorists.

9. Angels are like the military. The grunts on the ground aren't in the know. You can feel sorry for them, but watch your back because they follow orders without question… with two notable exceptions.

10. Angels can be hurt.

11. Angels can be killed – fire made from holy oil, angel-killings blades, angel on angel action, and maybe The Colt. I'm still waiting to test that last one.

12. Angels do not go to Heaven when they die. As far as I can tell, they just blip out of existence. When you think about it, that kind of sucks. No wonder Lucifer is pissed at God.

13. Many angels blame _us_ for Lucifer's fall.

14. Angels don't need to drink, eat, sleep, or breath. They do a little cloud seeding from time to time, but not enough. A beer and a good lay would probably improve the entire species.

15. Angels think of us as violent, hairless apes who sleep, eat, shit and screw until we die… not entirely inaccurate.

16. Many angels resent the fact that God made us at all.

17. A small handful of angels actually seem to give a shit about humanity. As far as I can tell, they are in the minority and have no power in the heavenly hierarchy.

18. Angels hold grudges.

19. Remember that it was an angel, Lucifer, who first created demons and taught them how to torture, maim and kill.

20. Conceited, ass-hat angels enjoy torturing people just as much as demons do, and they feel righteous with God afterward.

21. Despite this, angels have an irrational hatred of demons. So do hunters, so that works out nicely upon occasion.

22. Angels run Heaven because God isn't paying attention.

23. As a consequence, Heaven is not all its cracked up to be. Sorry, man.

24. Angels are firm believers in destiny and fate. They actively work at making sure fate happens. Does this strike anyone else as an oxymoron? And quit looking so shocked! Yes, Sam taught me a big word or two.

25. Angels, theoretically, do not have free will. This is a load of crap! Only free will could screw things up this bad.

26. Some angels don't believe free will exists at all – mostly, these are the whiners.

27. The archangel Raphael is king of the whiners. Avoid him for the sake of your sanity.

28. Lucifer is a whiner throwing one planet-shaking tantrum. The Big Evil is really the big, wuss-ass cry baby. This doesn't make him any less dangerous, though.

29. The archangel Michael is also a whiner and his brother Gabriel is borderline at best.

30. Now, to be fair, Gabriel does have an excellent sense of style. Too bad he's a dick with wings.

31. Angels are supposed to be emotionless like beautiful, cold marble statues or whacked out robots.

32. Angels _do_ have emotions whether _they_ think so or not. Think of them like Vulcans – rigid control and big, BIG explosions when they finally lose it. Hiroshima big.

33. Like us, angels can feel love, hate, friendship, joy, anger, hope and despair. Too bad for them.

34. Do not piss off the nerd angels. When they blow, they blow like Mount Vesuvius. Believe me, I know

35. Believe it or not, some angels actually have a sense of humor. It's usually about as juvenile as a 3rd grader's.

36. Angels do not get slang or pop-culture references. You might as well be speaking in code. Come to think of it, that's kind of useful… and fun.

37. While you can lead an angel to booze, I don't recommend trying to make him drink. Hung-over angels are grumpy as hell.

38. Embarrassed angels are adorable. I'm just saying.

39. Do not try to get a sneak peek at an angel's true form or you'll go blind. No that is not an urban legend or some sexual reference. Your eyes will boil out of your skull.

40. As a note, an angel's true voice is also dangerous. They sound like whales mating and will make your ears bleed.

41. If an angel ever asks you that very special question, think long and hard before you say yes. In fact, remember Nancy Reagan and Just Say No!

42. Finally, if you ever do manage to find an angel who is honest, loyal, compassionate, and who gives a damn about humanity in general and you in specific, you will be one lucky son of a bitch.


	3. Chapter 3

The Winchester Guide to Life, the Universe and Everything

Chapter 3

The Sam Winchester Guide to Demi-Gods, Minor Deities and Religious Wackos

aka

Religious Nut Job and You

Dear Reader:

My idjit brother, frustrated with "young" hunters making stupid mistakes – many of them are older than us, by the way – and inspired after watching a marathon of the Ghostfacers web-series, decided, with his typical infinite juvenile enthusiasm, to put together an online guide of Winchester wisdom. This strikes me as not only foolish but downright insane. I have tried five times to bring this website down, but Dean has apparently made friends with someone computer savvy enough to block my hacks and magic savvy enough to block angelic scrying. Castiel is irritated by this, as am I. However, since I can't stop the madness, I figured I'd better make certain that whatever hapless readers Dean actually has get the straight story. That said, I disclaim all responsibility for any and all actions you take based on this guide, and if you do try to sue me, good luck finding me first.

Sincerely,

Sam Winchester

Religious wackos will lie, cheat, steal, maim and murder in the name of God, and they won't feel the slightest bit guilty about it later.

Religious wackos are always willing to sacrifice their co-religionists for the cause, so this is not the safest cover to assume when infiltrating a cult or sect.

Religious wackos are especially intolerant of other religious wackos. There is no mutual admiration society for the psycho fringe.

Strangely, that last applies to monsters of all varieties as well. Vampires have no tolerance for shapeshifters (I think they must taste bad), shapeshifters can't stand witches and witches hate everyone. Add in religion and all bets are off.

Do not argue with a religious fanatic with magical powers. It wastes your time, endangers your life and irritates the fanatic. Dean, are you listening?!

Religious wackos cannot be reasoned with. If you can reason with him, he is, by definition, not a religious wacko.

Any ordinary person can become a religious wacko if life, or a monster, applies enough fear and pain. Sometimes wackos of this variety can still be redeemed, so go easy on the bullets until you know it's a lost cause.

Once an ordinary person has taken a life in the name of their new religious cause, the chances of redeeming them plummet. Make sure you have plenty of bullets ready to go, and a silver knife for the monster behind it all.

I am sorry to say that faith healers appear to be about as real as Bigfoot. If you go to a faith healer, you are dealing with a either a charlatan or a monster with an agenda of its own.

Prophets, on the other hand, are very real, and they are usually an obnoxious, self-centered, whiny pain in the neck. Sorry, Chuck.

The trick to working with prophets is spotting the genuine ones among all the phonies. If your prophet has night terror level visions accompanied by blinding migraines and followed up by the overwhelming and uncontrollable urge to write down what he saw, he may be the genuine article. Or he may just be a schizophrenic. Good luck telling the difference.

Prophets are often addicts of one variety or another, see entry re: night terrors and migraines.

Prophets are not necessarily religious.

Prophets sometimes have fans. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

And just so you know how screwed you are ahead of time: what a prophet sees always, _always_ comes to pass. Dean insists on pointing out, however, that prophets have been known to misinterpret what they see.

Prophets can be fed false visions by angels. The angels will subsequently work to make certain the false vision comes to pass just like the real thing, so be wary.

And if all that wasn't enough, prophets do not always know that they are prophets, and you might be the lucky one who gets to explain it all to them. Have fun.

Most importantly, do not threaten the life of a genuine prophet. Ever. Prophets comes with accessories, just like Barbie dolls, and the most important accessory is the archangel who will smite your ass if you endanger the prophet. Not an exaggeration, people. There will be smiting.

One of the most dangerous things in the world is a psycho who thinks he's right with God. (Note: Dean says I stole this one from him. I say it bears repeating.)

The only thing more dangerous than a whack-job who thinks he's right with God is a whack-job who is a god, or at least a demi-god.

Spotting a demi-god can be challenging, but it is possible with practice. The trick is to survive the first couple of encounters so you can get some practice.

Real humans do not cover their furniture in plastic. If the inside of a house looks like it was hosed down with cling wrap, you can bet a demi-god trying to pass for mortal lives there.

If you do know a real human who covers their furniture in plastic, make them stop.

If you know someone who acts more like a character off _Leave it to Beaver_ or _Father Knows Best_, it is probably a demi-god trying to copy what they think is ordinary human behavior.

If you know someone who can drink for days on end without a hangover, eat endless orders of junk food without getting fat and who is super strong without ever exercising, it is probably a demi-god.

If you see some runty-looking guy with a bevy of supermodels trailing him around, and he isn't a fashion designer, billionaire or record producer, it is probably a demi-god.

Most demi-gods can make themselves look like anything they want, up to and including Paris Hilton. Don't ask.

If someone who looks like your life-long idol or ideal dream man/woman suddenly wants to be your best friend, it is probably a demi-god trolling for a likely sacrifice.

Many demi-gods have a bit of a sweet tooth, so keep your eyes open for candy wrappers by the bucket-load.

Demi-gods always look at humans like they're appetizers, breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert all rolled into one, so watch for that lean and hungry look.

Never say, "Bite me," to a demi-god. They probably will.

Definitely never, ever say, "Eat me!" to a demi-god. They definitely will.

You cannot reason with a four-thousand-year-old deity with an axe, so chop off its head.

Demi-gods do not feel compassion for mere mortals.

Demi-gods do think our puny little lives matter in any way.

Demi-gods do not react well to smart-ass back-talk, so try to ease up on the snark when confronting one. Are you still listening, Dean?

If a demi-god does react well to your sarcasm, they probably want to have sex with you. They will likely still eat you afterward, so don't get too excited.

Demi-gods genuinely believe in their own mythos. Exploit this whenever possible.

Sometimes other creatures may pose as demi-gods. If a demi-god does not adhere strictly to his own mythos, it probably isn't really him.

Demi-gods are slaves to routine and tradition. You can use this against them.

Demi-gods generally do not get along any better with each other than they do with us. You can definitely use this against them. Think Mothra vs. Godzilla, and you get the idea.

And finally, nothing pisses a demi-god off as much as sticking the word "demi" in front of the word "god" when talking about them. No one likes to think they're second string.


	4. Chapter 4

The Winchester Guide to Life, the Universe and Everything

Chapter 4

The Crowley Guide to Crossroads Demons, Deals and Death

aka

Self-Damnation in 12 Easy Steps

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I recently came to be in the debt of one Dean Winchester, more commonly known to angels and demons alike as "The Righteous Man." As a mere human, you probably don't know his name, would take him for a rootless, uneducated drifter – which he is – and would cross the street in dismay and distrust if you saw him approaching you on a busy thoroughfare. Regardless of what you, as a pathetic specimen of humanity, do or do not know, I am bound by a certain deal that I should have known better than to make. The Deal stipulates that I must write an _honest_ and detailed guide to Crossroads Demons and the unique opportunities that they can open up for those with the necessary ambition and a complete disregard for the ultimate disposition of their immortal souls. As much as I am loath to comply with this clause of the contract, here goes nothing.

1. **The setting**: Location, location, location. We're called Crossroads Demons for a reason.

2. I do not recommend attempting to summon a Crossroads Demon in the middle of a busy intersection, say Times Square. If you get hit by a Lexus before you make your deal, well, that sucks for both of us, mate.

3. Any intersection which has been paved is a poor choice. You don't want to dig your way through several feet of asphalt, gravel, concrete and lime. For one thing, the Crossroads Demon you're summoning might just decide you're too stupid to make a deal and not show up at all.

4. Dirt or gravel roads are the best traditional locations, and contrary to urban mythology, they do not have to be in "The South." We are sophisticated and experienced world travelers. We'll be just as happy to answer your call in Malaysia as Louisiana. I, myself, am particularly fond of Myanmar.

5. **Proper comportment**: Do not bring a dog with you to the meet for protection. One, it's insulting, and two, I guarantee mine's bigger than yours.

6. Do not bother bringing holy water, salt or any other such pathetic protections to the meet. No Crossroads Demon would ever attack during negotiations. It isn't done, mate. Besides, if you piss your buyer off enough, no one will buy your pathetic little soul. There are six billion more of you sodding clowns after all.

7. **The time**: Time is as important as location when it comes to wheeling and dealing.

8. Midnight is the traditionally accepted time for making crossroads pacts, but 3:00 a.m. is also popular. Something to do with that fellow from Nazareth. If you're a traditionalist at heart, go for one of these.

9. Ultimately, the time of day is irrelevant. We're just as happy to make our deals in the sunlight as the moonlight. But if you do go in for daytime bargaining, just make certain you choose a nice, secluded location. Interruptions are never a good thing for either side in serious negotiations.

10. Time of year can also be a factor in setting up these meetings. We, like every other service provider in the world, are especially busy around the holidays. If you choose to open negotiations between All Hallows Eve and St. Valentine's Day, be aware that there may be a slight delay in the arrival of your Crossroads Demon.

11. If you summon a Crossroads Demon on October 31, any national day of "Thanksgiving," December 25, December 31, Chinese New Year or February 14, there will almost certainly be a major delay in the arrival of your Crossroads Demon. Be patient, be respectful and be conciliating. We can be as cranky as any other overworked bastard at that time of year.

12. In addition to a delay in arrival, if you summon a Crossroads Demon on a major international holiday, they won't have much time to spend with you, so be prepared to keep matters brief. Know what you want. Get it out. Get it done. Get gone.

13. If you really need time for extended negotiations, please avoid the holiday rush altogether.

14. **The summoning ritual**: This varies from culture to culture. Choose whatever works for you. As long as your make a good faith effort and really mean it, we'll show up.

15. Every crossroads ritual in existence includes some less than pleasant component. This serves to weed out the pansies and leave the market open for those interested in serious bargaining.

16. **The Crossroads Demon itself**: Traditionally, men get a woman, women get a man and those of indeterminate gender or sexual orientation get our best guess. If the wrong sort shows up, don't take it personally. It just means we're too busy to customize.

17. All models are guaranteed to be attractive with good hygiene and excellent manners.

18. **The seller**: The human soul is an extremely valuable commodity. That said, some souls are more valuable than others. Know your worth and bargain accordingly.

19. If you are uncertain of your own worth – which you no doubt are, or you wouldn't be selling your soul in the first bloody place – consult a reliable expert.

20. Souls currently in demand: hunters, priests, nuns, monks, kindergarten teachers, astronauts, lion tamers, national heroes, science fiction authors, librarians and engineers.

21. Souls of which way we have a surfeit: Western politicians, Wall Street bankers, Communist party leaders, African warlords, South American dictators, bored housewives, would-be celebrities, conservationists, Yuppies, anyone involved in the , fashion models, dentists, 90-pound weaklings and ichthyologists.

22. So, to sum up, if you happen to be a hunter who is also a member of some holy order and has training as teacher, astronaut, librarian or lion tamer, you can pretty much write your own ticket.

23. If your soul has not yet matured, please be so kind as wait an additional decade before attempting to sell said soul. There are rules about this sort of thing. We are not allowed to make deals with children. In my opinion this is a good thing or Hell would be full to bursting with little girls who just wanted a pony. As I am not fond of children, you can imagine my relief that this has not come to pass.

24. Under the laws of Hell, a child is defined as any person whose soul has not matured. Therefore, human laws regarding the legal age of majority are irrelevant. We have sometimes made deals with twelve-year-olds and have regretfully turned away men in their forties who suffered from certain developmental disorders. If we can't help you, we simply can't help you. Please, no tantrums.

25. **Opening negotiations**:The Crossroads Demon will give you exactly what you ask for, nothing more and nothing less, so be specific in your requests.

26. If you really do not know what you want, the Crossroads Demon will be happy to make suggestions. However, this can be embarrassing for everyone, so please think ahead.

27. Traditionally speaking, there is a one soul/one request policy. Practically speaking, this is always open to amendment.

28. A crossroads pact is like any other contract. You can add riders, addendums, clauses, codicils, etc., et al.

29. **The product**: You can ask for anything you like, that doesn't mean that you necessarily get your initial request. It's called a negotiation for a reason.

30. People tend to underestimate and simultaneously overestimate the wares that Crossroads Demons have to offer. That being said, allow me to provide some clarification. We can make you wealthy, famous, talented, attractive, successful or powerful in a general sort of way. We can bring back the dead if the body is largely intact. Once a certain level of decay has set in, this becomes more difficult. It doesn't hurt to ask, but the answer may be a regretful, "No." If we cannot bring back a deceased loved one, we may be able to provide you with a reasonable facsimile. Don't knock it until you've tried it.

31. First and foremost, we cannot give you happiness. Don't ask. It gets old. We can't just _make_ you happy. If we could, there wouldn't be an independent soul left on Earth. You have to ask for what you _think_ will make you happy and then hope that you asked for the right thing. If it turns out you were wrong, that's your problem. Caveat emptor.

32. We don't do time travel. We will not send you back. We will not send you forward. We will not let you see the future.

33. We don't do super powers. If you want to be able to fly, cast magic, talk to the dead, etc., then you need to make an entirely different sort of deal than a crossroads pact. Find a demon who suits your particular personality, sell your soul to them directly and take up the practice of demon-sponsored witchcraft. This is your safest bet, and it doesn't come with the slightly shortened lifespan that a crossroads pact entails.

34. We cannot fundamentally change the world as a whole. Therefore, we will not make you king of the world, set you up in your own personal colony on Mars, make you a god, demi-god or Bill Gates. He just happened naturally. Don't blame us. Oh, and Elvis has left the building. We do not bring back dead celebrity icons. It upsets people and confuses the icons.

35. While we can rig elections, we prefer to stay out of politics as it is too murky and slimy, even for us. So, we'll help you get elected to the state assembly or the Board of Directors for the Boy Scouts of America, but that's about as high as we'll go. It's a matter of principle.

36. Once the deal is finalized with a kiss, there can be no further negotiations, amendments or changes of any kind on either side.

37. **Terms of duration**: Most crossroads deals are made for a term of ten years. This is negotiable, but you had better be on the highly desirable acquisition list if you want to get an agreement that will last more than a decade. If you are one of those souls of which we already have a surfeit, you may have to settle for a slightly more short term deal.

38. **Accepted clauses: **By participating in a crossroads deal, you are stipulating that you will surrender your soul to Hell at the end of the term of duration in your contract. This is a relatively minor inconvenience, however, and nothing you really need to worry your poor little brains over.

39. By accepting the terms of the crossroads deal, you are agreeing to spend your afterlife as a demon. This need not, however, mean an eternity in Hell. Any self-respecting demon worth his… sulfur can claw his way back into the sunshine where he can wreak havoc to his heart's content and then party at the best destination locations until Judgment Day.

40. **Collection**: You need not concern yourself with paying your bill when your contract comes due. We will send our collection agents to you any time of the day or night and in any location. It's a special service we provide to our clients at no extra charge. We're just considerate that way.

41. Should you attempt to dodge our collections agents, things can get messy and there may be collateral damage to your friends, family, business and place of residence.

42. **In closing**: Don't think of it as selling your soul. Think of it as buying a decade of bliss, a few trifling years of minor unpleasantness, and an eternity of power, prowess and promise. Being a demon – it isn't just for fallen angels anymore. I look forward to working with you all. Toodles.


End file.
